Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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