i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I think your dad took our porno
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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