I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
