I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
