Whod you bang
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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