Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
