I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Randomize
