Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
