Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
