There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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