There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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