do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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