So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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