I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
