Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
