I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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