drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
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You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
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He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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