god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
