The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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