I'm jealous of your bromance
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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