I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
