Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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