why im i the only drunk person in the library?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
