if you like me you must not know who I am
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
