I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Randomize
