It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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