You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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