apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
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