bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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