hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
