There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
