Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
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