My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
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Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
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If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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