who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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