EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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