So drunk its hurt
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
