The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
