I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
