I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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