It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
