I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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