The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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