That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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