I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
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