Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
