Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
