Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
