I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Pooping to opera.
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