Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
