My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
