I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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