Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
