Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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