Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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