I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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