I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
