so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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